The · Devil · Behind · the · Charm

farewell, LJ.  For those of you who have always cared, you know where to reach me.  I've kept this journal to clearly keep in contact with you.  There are things I could say but I won't...there are things I should say, but I don't...

I'm just tired of paving the way for everyone else to get the glory and for me to get the shit.

I'm done.

Oh yeah.  And to anyone reading this, and you know who you are, thanks for lying to me.  You are indubitably a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Called off work today...I needed some sort of mental health day since I've been going full tilt boogie since Ren Faire started.  I went to school, came home, took a HOT shower and then a nap....ahhhh, nap.  I haven't had those in a while...I felt somewhat human so I went to lunch with a few friends to Pita Jungle.

I haven't been eating a lot of meat lately, whether by unconscious choice or for lack of time, but I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it's time for me to delve into the realm of healthy for awhile.  Also, I've become tired of smoking cloves or anything for that matter, so I'm backing off that as well.  Basically this is all coming out of the fact that I'm very tired and bad (or no) eating and smoking is not conducive for anything energy related...and believe me, with my schedule, I need all the energy I can get.

Well, I take my friend to the airport this afternoon with a heavy heart.  She is truly a treasure...moreso than she realizes.  I will miss her.  But, it's not goodbye -- it's see you soon.

Ever since I wore the bodice Monday to work, I've been obsessed with posture...

So, I wore my green and blue plaid corset I got not too long ago today to work.

posture is amazing and now I feel uppity for some strange reason.

It should be mentioned that yes, I'm committing the cardinal sin and wearing it on the outside, HOWEVER, I'm wearing it underbust so it looks like an extension of my pleated bondage skirt (I look cute - I can honestly say that!)

I'm a little bummed that I got my first paper back and it was a "C".  Although I did forecast earlier that I was going to get a "C", I'm still upset about it.  Luckily, I do have the chance to rewrite.  The funniest thing was that the reason that I got the "C" was that I omitted too much of the detail that I had originally put in, but crossed out because I thought (based on the teacher's previous comments) that I was too verbose and not what the assignment had to have.  I'll just put in what I had originally took out and resubmit it.  I should really listen to my teacher, Trail (creative writing), when he tells me to have the confidence to NOT censor myself.  Again, I am overanalyzing and thinking too much.  Who knew that that would ever be frowned upon in college??? weird.

Plan for tonight is to get a hat and a bustle at the costume shop (or at least look) and go to the fetish shop and look around there before I take leave of my friend for a few hours to keep a special appointment then head over to the Dubliner to watch Scott play.  YAY.

I am dubious about my plans this weekend....

bah.  I should be reading English...I find that I'm so much more into History class instead.

I'm quickly killing myself with work and school and ren faire....
got my bangs retrimmed today before (like a tool) I passed out from exhaustion only to wake up in a frenzied mess...
did I mention I'm quickly killing myself? yeah, that.
at least I'll die with a semi-smile on my face...ha.  There's always that.

Being busy alleviates some of the pain....doesn't change the fact that I'm broken...just pushes it away for the time being.

I heard a squealing noise at work the other day and it sounded like the sound a swing would make as you were pumping your legs to go higher and higher.  I listened and thought I've lost my innocence a long time ago, but I'm rapidly changing into someone who doesn't even have an iota of it left.  There used to be that one bit left and it, along with the rest of my good qualities, left when I got broken.  Then I got sad because I realized that nothing will ever compare to that feeling of flying on that swing pushing myself higher and higher.  I felt like I could touch the clouds and everything was that much more simple.  I grieved for the little girl that I still want to be, but know can never have again.  Goodbye and I'm sorry, little one.

I came to the conclusion today that medieval period clothing worn to everyday work has its drawbacks as follows:

1) when wearing a bodice in an office chair, your back feels like it is on fire from being postured correctly all day..
2) long skirts are not conducive to rolling chairs
3) do not bring the sword into the office because you might be tempted put certain people through your blade.

That is all.
Carry on.

P.S.  I'm still exhausted.
20 minutes until I leave for faire...ugh.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'm dancing around my apartment, doing my taxes and blasting "GAY BAR" by Electric Six

Hell Yeah.

you, I wanna take you to a gay bar
let's start a war, start a nuclear war
at the gay bar,
gay bar, gay bar
WOOOOOOOOO!

It's definitely a ska/punk band night tonight...yet curiously earlier in the accounting dept at work I was listening to zydeco music.  I got some strange looks there...

Bad Religion
Suicide Machines
Sublime
Sex Pistols
The Cramps (RIP LUX)
The Ramones
The Donnas
and just because I'm in a nihilistic attitude, a little Tracy Bonham thrown in for good measure....

::::EVERYTHING'S FINE!!!::::

I need to stay awake...Scott and his electric band, The Traveler, are playing at Rose McCaffrey's, I've been requested to go to Tranz and I still have to do my taxes and submit my FAFSA. yikes stripes!

I'm predicting I get a C on this English paper that I just turned in today. ick.  I feel a rewrite coming on...

I know that some people were skeptical about buying Iphones because of the whole "I'm going to have to get everything I-ready" but, here's something that you didn't know...from one geek to another...

Until recently, there has been no realistic way for individual programmers to make serious money on their own. Most of the software market is dominated by big companies, and the traditional distribution method for independent developers -- shareware -- isn't conducive to striking it rich. By contrast, Apple's iTunes App Store provides a platform for marketing, selling and distributing software; all a developer needs to provide is a good idea and some working code.

So, there you go.  You can read the whole article.  I think it's wonderful that a random guy thought of a random game, coded it and is now living the good life for a swell idea.  I wish I had a swell idea I could send to Apple to get $600 million smackers in a single month.

Ok, tarthaxe ...we seriously need to think of something really sweet to app on.  I'll be the brain and you can be the code monkey. HURRAY! (I hate coding!)

AND OMG!  COMPUTER GEEKS ARE GETTING YOUNGER AND YOUNGER!!!!

I haven't sang in front of a crowd sans a karaoke machine in, ye gads, 2 years, maybe 3?

It will be an adventure.

I'm most excited that I'm singing one of my favorite (and seemingly appropo) songs this eve by Tori Amos (again, one of my favorite musicians).  As I was re-familiarizing myself with Crucify, I went through the entire CD.  I had almost forgotten how bloody brilliant Little Earthquakes was.

Almost.  

I'll try to have someone take video, but I'm not guaranteeing anything...

On another front, I re-bought one of my favorite movies today for $5.00! The Shawshank Redemption. yay me.  That's my treat to myself.  I seriously need to buy some new Ren boots, though, mine are trashed, never mind that semi-suede is not conducive to walking in mud.

Welcome to AZ when it rains -- we don't need jello-wrestling...we have the mud.

I'm going to meet a couple of friends at a bar to have a pre-drink before I actually get to the bar I'm singing at...I'm just going to have one because my English class continues to be a thorn in my side...more on that later.

If you're bored, go to this site (it's amusing)

First weekend down at the Ren-faire.  First day was great.  Sunny, blue skies, light breeze, people were ecstatic to be there -- it was a joyous thing.  We all come together for a common goal...to entertain, to be entertained and to lose our troubles and worries of an unstable world to a world of simpler pleasures, frivolity and laughter.  I wished it would have continued.  Sunday was terrible.  A cold piercing rain ripped throught the valley and headed west to the faire site.  The parking lot for participants was so bloody muddy I almost lost my boots 3 times trying to go to work and even more so after a DAY of pouring rain.  It was frigid all day long and my fingers hurt -- I felt like icicles were jabbing under my nails all damn day.  Very few people came at the start of the day and the crowd we had managed to gather made a mass exodus for their cars the minute the first downpour happened. UGH.  Only two good things happened today as far as I am concerned:
Also, since what the owner and I were mostly doing all day was lacing bodices, we talked and talked and talked.  She is in her sixties and is very insightful about all things, period.  Well, we were talking and even in her infinite wisdom and philosophy degree, she still cannot figure me out.  *sigh*  I don't think anyone can.  According to a lot of people, I am an inomaly...she agrees with the others.  I don't follow any conventional rule out there in relation to people...I don't view that as so bad except in finding that other inomaly that will coexist peacefully with my inomaly self.  Here's a few examples that I will share:

According to her:
1) People who read a lot are apt to not need people in their life.
(me):  I love the library...it is like a home away from home.  I love learning about things...that's the way that I've always been...however, I love people and I think that if I had to choose, invariably books will always remain, but that would make me a sad panda if I couldn't interact with people and have them in my life.
2) You cannot consider yourself independent and still like cuddling.
(me): huh?  What gives?  I know that some of the most fiercely independent of people still like to cuddle!  And that includes me.  How is it that we live in a world where both cannot live in happy harmony.  I will not accept help from most people because I do not want to be a burden...however, I will ALWAYS accept cuddling!

It is unfathomable to me how many people accept limitations on themselves or other people.  Why one person cannot exemplify both sets of opposite traits as part of their own persona is unthinkable.  I guess I've always thought that limitations are for people who want limits.  I feel that there are no limits to where anyone can go or who they want to be.  I can be crazy and outgoing, but I can also be shy, coy and reserved.  These parts of my personality are intertwined.  I cannot separate them as much as I can separate a limb from my body (well, not without extreme force and exquisite pain!).  Why do I have to be defined as one thing?  Why can I not be defined as all things?  And does life really have to be that black and white?  I don't want to live in a world of monochrome...I want to live in a world of rich vibrant colors...

I don't know...I've been told that I'm a freak.  That there really isn't a place in this world that I really fit in.  Maybe that's why I always feel alone...because no one really understands...but I understand and accept everyone else...why is it so hard for them to do the same?  Because we are trained to reject the unfamiliar, I suppose.  I could go on and on about the misgivings that people have of just people in general, but I should probably stop here.

In any case, I now have to go get new boots since my Ren boots are clearly destroyed from the mud and the general ick of this weekend.  Also, I have a paper due this Wednesday that I haven't started on...except the opening paragraph...AND I'm supposed to be singing with Scott this Wednesday. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  Anyways...I should probably sleep.

I went out to see Scott play his rowdy gypsy music at the Dubliner Irish Pub tonight (he plays every Wednesday).  Everyone bailed on me, so I said to hell with you all, I'm going by myself!

So, after my evening class tonight, I went!

I'm so glad I did!  I had an Irish coffee, a steak and mushroom pie and got to listen to music that makes me feel like home.  Not to mention that Scott and Reina talked to me all night about everything.  I told Scott that I was bringing some people (hopefully) with me next week, and now he wants me to sing.  He wanted me to sing tonight, but I think I am just biding my time.  He asked me to sing for him while we were outside and he was amazed.  (side note: I always find that weird because I don't think that my voice is all that great.  Well, as my writing teacher said tonight, I retreat into myself when I should really just lay it all out there.  Is there such a thing as being too humble?)  He also invited me to come see the full on gypsy electric band this Friday and Saturday at the Hula Bula in Tempe.  Yay.  More wonderful music. [ugh. I have to get out my Loreena McKennitt CD.  He wants me to sing one of her songs among other things!]

During one of his solos, I was so filled with something during the song, I don't know what happened, but before I knew it, a few tears found their way down my face. Hrmmm...imagine that.  Well...it's been rough.  I needed an unwind time with good music.

Anyway, Scott and I talked for a long while after his set was over and then he hugged me when I left.  They are good people and I got video with my new camera!!!  Those will be up probably tomorrow though...I now have 3 hours until I have to get up for work!  So, if you like the videos that I am going to put up in the not too distant future, consider coming with the group of us next Wednesday or go to the Hula Bula on Friday or Saturday!

Now, I have to sleep! Good night!

got all the way to Mesa (from Phoenix) only to have the receptionist tell me:

"Oh, we called and left a message that we needed to reschedule."

me: (scrolling through my phone showing her that there were no missed calls on Jan 9th) "I have no calls from you, see?"

"well, the doctor isn't in."

"well, that's just great.  Can you schedule me something closer please? like in Maryvale?"

"um, ok."

So no word yet on the lasers in my eyes.  But, I'll keep you posted.

Also, the jerk off is at it again.  Forwarded most recent inflammatory emails to the owner with my oh so sharp rebuttal: 

I have "no problem" understanding what you are referring to.  In order to have it in an inline frame, the program creates two scroll bars.  In order to get what you want ultimately, I will have to rebuild the pages so that they stack one on top of the other to get one scroll bar that the page provides.

As far as it being too wide, for legibility, it was expanded.  I'm sure our customers are competent enough to use the scroll bar, but for the sake of argument, I will shrink it down to the width of the page.

Someone put a gun to my head and paint the walls with my brains, please...

So, I got an offer to get hauled into Origins this year and I looked at their activities...one of them is "Take the Mensa Test"

So, curious, I googled Mensa test.

Here's a practice test

Of course, I didn't get all of them...if someone can enlighten me on #'s 10,11,14,16,17,19,29,31 and 33, I'd love to hear what you came up with.  I'm running out of ideas...of couse, I also should be sleeping.

the cool thing is once you're right, it greens it out for you so you know you did well (yay, a proverbial gold [green] star!).  I got 24.  I'm pissed I can't get any more.

jeezus I need to sleep.

(but clowns will eat me)

in other news...follow up appointment with the doctor is today.  We'll just see what he says how my new laser eyeball is progressing.

"But, will I ever be able to thwart the evil doers, doctor?"  (flutters eyelashes precociously)

"We'll see, Angelina, we'll see..."

"oh, goodie!" (claps hands and bounces in eye contraption chair thing)

that I like being the weirdo in the back of the office that plays Portishead and Frontline Assembly really loud so that I get the following comments:

a) what the hell are you listening to?
b) (weird look followed by) are you ok?
c) co-worker: (walks in and just stands by my desk)
    Me: yes?
    co-worker: (weird look)
    Me: can I help you?
    co-worker: (another weird look) I was just seeing what was going on back here.
    Me: just working
    co-worker: (looks worried like I'm going to just go crazy or something) uh-ok.  Have a good night.
    Me: thanks. you as well.

righto.

and does anyone else but me either feel like you are underwater, in a surrealistic art painting or high/drunk on something when you listen to Portishead?  I feel like there is going to be some sort of mysterious thing happening to you that will live on in infamy.  just a thought.